Saturday, August 30, 2014

5 Warning Signs to Avoid Getting Involved with an Altruistic Narcissist

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is highly likely that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. One minute your partner is loving – praising you for all of your positive attributes, announcing how they will support you until the end of time and moving heaven and earth – just to be there for you. The next minute however, when you question their opinions, offer constructive criticism, or dare to set boundaries with them…watch out.

Most narcissists are exceptionally skilled at appearing especially giving, caring, loving, and supportive. In fact, their “generosity” or “selflessness” (as they like to put it) can be considered by many to be over-the-top. They don’t just love you – they ADORE you. They don’t just want to offer you advice on your business, they want to be involved in EVERY step of it so they can “guide or mentor” you with their wisdom. They don’t just support you – they want to SAVE you…from what? Who knows?

There are several different types of narcissists, but for this blog post, I will focus on Altruistic Narcissists because of all the subtypes, these individuals are sometimes difficult to spot. Their display of generosity and charitable behaviors often fool people into thinking that they are genuinely giving or supportive without needing to take credit. Here in lies the difference between individuals who do altruistic acts over Altruistic Narcissists:  Altruistic narcissists do all that they do for others, in order to be able to proclaim it to others or to feel self-important.




When involved with an altruistic narcissist, many people often feel confused and anxious. They wonder how it’s possible for someone so attentive and loving to have narcissistic tendencies. How is it possible that the same person who is selfless in every single way, can at the same time make verbal jabs towards their partners, undermining their opinions or feelings and even become emotionally abusive when they feel that their expertise is being called into question?

The act of giving enhances the narcissist's sense of omnipotence, his amazing generosity, and the secret contempt he holds for others. It is easy to feel superior to the recipients of one's generosity. Narcissistic altruism is about exerting control and maintaining it by fostering dependence in the beneficiaries.

The altruistic narcissist flaunts his charitable nature as bait. He impresses others with his kindness and then manipulates them into thinking that they need him. He will brainwash his partner into subservient collaboration. The altruistic narcissist often acts with deep empathy for others, shedding tears at how emotionally moved they are by your suffering. That is, until you decide that you no longer need their help. Then the verbal attacks or emotional jabs begin.

To a narcissist, you aren't supposed to be independent - not really. They claim to admire and appreciate autonomy in a person; however, in their mind, you're not supposed to be independent or self-sufficient…because how will they be able to take credit for helping you?

People are often initially attracted to their theatrical, larger than life personality, or giving nature - only to later discover their true personality traits when it's too late. This does not prevent the altruistic narcissist from assuming the role of the exploited victim when others do not meet his expectations or try to set boundaries with them.

The help offered by an altruistic narcissist is strategic. They keep mental track of everything they have done for others. This way they can call old friends or ex-partners for favors, ask for financial support, or expect to be catered to emotionally when they're feeling vulnerable. They’re also very good at convincing people that they have your best interest in mind and manipulate ex-partners into believing how much they’ve changed after the relationship ended. Once they’ve rekindled a romance however, it will not be long before their partner realizes that their need for attention and admiration is beyond any one person’s capacity.

Narcissists need almost constant admiration and cannot tolerate even perceived criticism because they need what psychologists call mirroring. They will often place themselves last and putting everyone first in order to receive attention and praise for their actions. They need almost constant energy or validation from external sources. They need you to tell them how wonderful, caring, empathic, attractive or intelligent they are.

The altruistic narcissist is exhausting to be around. One minute they praise you, and the next they add little critiques or jabs masked as “helpful advice” to help you “improve” some aspect of your life. They like to think of themselves as gurus who will guide and enlighten those around them. They pretend to be someone they can never be as a way to mask their emotional needy nature.

It’s important to know that the altruistic narcissist performs such acts knowing that he feels false, and their acts of generosity have agendas attached to them. The narcissist is a master at faking concern, interest, or compassion. These agendas involve getting what they want out of you. Ultimately, the altruistic narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology and declaring undying commitment to friends and partners, while simultaneously declaring identical scripts to other people in order to secure favors, attention, sex or praise.


Altruistic narcissists are never accountable, even when they pretend to be. If they proclaim to take ownership for their actions, deep inside they dismiss your critiques by thinking that YOU are the one who is insecure, crazy or jealous. They like to project their insecurities onto others. Although they often mention their intelligence, they do not possess the emotional intelligence necessary in order to maintain a long-term relationship. Sooner or later, their partners will run for the hills and when they do, they can expect to be socially slandered. It's never their fault.

More than any other personality disorder, the narcissist is fixated on punishing you – “How dare you do this to me after everything that I’ve done for you!” Such emotional attacks occur due to the slightest invalidating critique. If you try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you will be accused of everything the narcissist is doing, gas lighted and punished with manipulations and then smeared to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.



Here are some warning signs to avoid getting involved with an altruistic narcissist:

1) Self-promotion of being giving, caring, or emotionally evolved. Generous and caring people simply are generous and caring without having to declare this to you. They do not have to sell how incredible they are or how they have helped others. Male altruistic narcissists, in particular, act as if they are supporters and protectors of strong and independent women. They appear to honor, revere, and promote women. However, like all narcissists they are actually demanding the emotional approval and worthiness from women, and will slander these women when their expectations are inevitably unmet. At the very least you will be dismissed as "not good enough" or "crazy" and your thoughts, decisions or behaviors will be critiqued.

2) Any extreme statement pertaining to love, especially if done too soon. You know you are dealing with a narcissist when they declare that you are “the love of his/her life”, that he or she would always “be there” for you, or would drop everything for keep you safe. These are extreme statements and acts designed to bring the attention back to their acts of generosity or heroism. The “giving” is never really about YOU – it’s about feeding their fragile ego.

3) Anyone who asks too many personal questions, excessively offers their guidance when it’s not needed or wanted, and gets easily offended when you set boundaries. These are not acts of caring, rather and expression of entitlement and need for power and control over your decisions. Many altruistic narcissists push you into providing them with as much personal information as they can get from you, so they can later take credit for helping you, inspiring you, or guiding you in your pursuits or accomplishments.

4) An ex-partner who appears out of nowhere and becomes jealous of your relationship with the narcissist, or tries to warn you against the narcissist. There is a high probability that they are either still maintaining a sexual relationship with your new partner or sincerely trying to warn you against getting involved with them. Although an ex-partner reaching out to you is considered inappropriate as well, do NOT accept your partner’s excuses to discredit their ex. When it comes to altruistic narcissists, very often the ex's are right. Also beware of meeting anyone who states all the reasons why his previous partners were "crazy.” No matter how wonderful and “different” he professes you are, you will eventually fall short of the idealized demands. Sooner or later he will discredit you to others.

5) A verbally abusive and/or unavailable relationship with either of his or her parents. Especially if the abuse or abandonment occurred before the age of 10. They often declare that they respect and honor their parent; however, they way they speak to them proves otherwise.

At the core of narcissist pathology is entitlement. When they want it, they feel entitled to your attention, money, services, or admiration. More than other types of narcissists, the altruistic narcissist, in particular, compulsively displays over-the-top behavior in terms of giving - whether it be gifts, attention, praise or advice. They believe that because they gave you so much, that you in turn should give them what they want, or behave in the manner they wish, without question. When you suggest that their demands are inappropriate, they turn into either ‘the wounded child’ or a ‘callous bully’ at the drop of a hat. When the altruistic narcissist feel slighted, they can even turn vengeful, spiteful and vindictive, often leaving their partners feeling blind-sighted.


Dr. Suzana E. Flores is the resident clinical psychologist to Prose & Cons and best selling author of Facehooked: How Facebook Affects our Emotions, Relationships, and Lives through Reputation Books.

Dr. Flores frequently presents at universities and organizations, and was recently quoted in Esquire.com, Mashable.com, Everyday Health Magazine, Dame Magazine, The Nation, SheKnows.com, New Parent Magazine, Newlyweds, Upwayve.com and Moms.me.

She can be reached at drsuzanaflores@gmail.com or through her literary agent, Liz Kracht at liz@kimberelycameron.com.

www.drsuzanaflores.com

38 comments :

Sue Coletta said...

You've described one of my neighbors to a tee. Let me ask you-- not regarding him but rather a character based on him-- could one of these "types" turn violent? Are they prone to stalking after a break-up? And would they go as far as murder if they felt ignored? As usual, Suzana, this is a very interesting post. You've got my creative wheels turning now.

Dr. Suzana E. Flores said...

Perhaps. Many violent criminals possess narcissistic qualities. Whether violent or not, most narcissists see their victims as objects who exist solely to cater to their needs.
Personality disorders manifest themselves on a broad spectrum. On one hand, someone will get offended that you criticized them and will slander you publicly and try to hurt you emotionally. On the other end, you have someone prone to extreme violence when his or her ego/public image is called into question. Some narcissists can certainly stalk for revenge.

Anonymous said...

So you see vampires do exist ...

Salman Hamid said...

Read your piece. It is nothing but across the board generalization and characterization of any given human, using fantastic words. Which human is any different than the one mentioned in the piece?

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed at that last comment because it isn't a generalization. This describes my wife to a tee. The hardest part is that I've felt so completely beaten down over the years but surely thought it was my fault because she was so giving. She gives gifts to people to the point that we are overdrawn nearly every paycheck. I'm not perfect but now realize that my feelings are important and deserve to be heard even though she pretty much ignores them and claims I or my Mom has some "issue". I know I sound like a victim as I have played that for many years for lack of the tools to get out and even recognize that everything wasn't my fault. We'll see what happens next. Thanks for the article!!

Anonymous said...

Lol, touch a nerve, did it Salman? Why do you narcs always try to pretend your screwed up behavior is normal, and that everyone is just like you? Because if you really believe that this describes normal human behavior, then please feel free to shut yourself away from humanity. You won't be missed.

rdg12 said...

Well put

Alana Budasoff said...

Can someone like this be rehabilitated?

Anonymous said...

Alana B. Yes I found that there is but only if the person is willing to commit to ongoing therapy. This therapy is very different. Bruce Narramore, founder of the Narramore Foundation did in fact find a way. I am attaching a booklet that describes the therapy, you will find it toward the end of the booklet. I would like to say that I appreciate this article on Altruistic Narcissists very much the information here has helped me deal with a side of my husband I did not understand and that kept me confused and hooked into the relationship, I thank the author for her work and putting the information out to us. I in no way am I trying to up stage the author or steer traffic to another venue.
Blessings to you on your journey. The link below is the booklet.

http://www.ncfliving.org/bk_129_narcissism1.php#.VgBLHB9Dw4k.mailto

Anna Nim said...

I doubt they can be changed..not really, the extent to which they MIGHT be able to change will be far, far less than you need to stay with them. Maybe someone who is merely on the edge Narc "spectrum" with extreme desire to not be that way may change a bit-but it is their DEFAULT setting. The best you could get is to always wonder and be on edge to see if that behavior comes back. I wish I had better news. At least you will see the next one coming a mile away..

Anonymous said...

This is my mother. This is absolutely, completely my mother (minus the "romantic" stuff as she is, of course, focusing these actions upon her children--my father is dead). I am ABD in clinical psychology, but due the the red herring of the "giving" nature of the altruistic narcissist, didn't recognize her true nature until I, fairly recently (10 years ago--I'm almost 60) and for the first time, became the family scapegoat. As a child, I had been an "invisible child" while my sister had been the scapegoat--and I'd always wondered why my sister so hated my mother, when she was (it appeared) so "giving." For a short time, in my 20s, I became the golden child. Then, when my mother entered her elder years, I moved in with her--and became the scapegoat. Then the true nature of her "giving ways" became immediately apparent, and with a shock I realized my mother indeed as full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Her need to control is overwhelming, her ability to manipulate others is omnipresent. However, two of her four children (my brother and oldest sister) cannot perceive her narcissism because of the way she constantly pushes money and gifts at you and tries to "save" you. The key, I found, is recognizing what happens when you refuse her gifts or attempts to save--she becomes filled with rage, a tell-tale sign of the narcissism. Attempt to buck her need to control, and she becomes immediately emotionally abusive. She is truly the center of her own universe, and no other people really exist for her. Thank you for addressing this little known subtype of narcissism.

Anonymous said...

I started out with my narcissistic mother. Then I married my mother, and raised her too. Being surrounded with people like this for my entire life took me until about 2 years ago when I realized it was not me. For the first time, I saw my husband treat someone else the way he treats me, and I knew it wasn't me. I saw what I had suspected for a long time. He has a "preconceived" idea of who he thinks I am..and its not a positive view. Anything I do that falls outside of what he thiknks I am like does not get acknowledged. In fact I can talk to him and ask him what I said and he doens't know. He hears what he wants to hear, not what I actually say. What a relief to see that its not me, but its his view he projects onto me and anyone else like me. My life since then has been a struggle since then as I navigated between these 3 people in my life. I was in school and did not make enough money to be on my own. That will change soon however. Of the 3 I'd say my husband and daughter are altruistic. They do what they think looks noble but they are only going through the motions to get the recognition. And if nobody acknowledges them they spout off about how great they think they are. If they are ignored or corrected, they are verbally abusive and manipulative to a tee. Gaslighting is a favorite theme around here.

Earlier this year my mother emailed me and wanted to know why I was so angry for a long time. By then I knew her number. She sincerely encouraged me to lay it all out for her, because she wanted us to understand EACH OTHER. Key words were "we" and "each other". This had nothing to do with her understanding me (after all, its not like I didn't lay it out for her several times before, and right on the heels of her abuse). In addition it was during a time where I honestly did not have time to rehash all that stuff, especially knowing this had more to do with me understanding her than the other way around. I wrote back and told her that it wasn't a good time. Not surprisingly, I didn't hear much from her. Then just a couple of weeks ago she made a passive aggressive attempt to tell me I never talk to her anymore by acting like it was my responsibiitiy to tell her what her grandkids wanted for xmas. I gave her the name of the kids' mother, and her facebook name and told her to get in touch. Not surprisingly, she never did. It was all a veiled attempt to try and lay yet another guilt trip on me.

Might be a "Narc" said...

"Lol, touch a nerve, did it Salman? Why do you narcs always try to pretend your screwed up behavior is normal, and that everyone is just like you? Because if you really believe that this describes normal human behavior, then please feel free to shut yourself away from humanity. You won't be missed."

You know who you sound like?


This should be a comedy, its well written and moderately funny.
Most people would be subject to one of the vices mentioned above.

This does seem like a broad generalization but then again how do you pin point people that are elusive and quite difficult to spot?

We should however beware of folks being manipulative, such is all too rampant in contemporary social structure.

I myself noticed that I fell under a few of these vices, most certainly more than most.
How would I go about "fixing" myself?
What steps might I take to become more emotionally reachable and perhaps correct my thinking?
You hear me, correct my thinking.
I wouldn't wish to think the wrong way, after all the goal is to get everyone who thinks differently away from the majority right?

This cry of 1984 may very well be discredited, but it is all to Orwellian.
If you think I am a narcissist, well I very well might be, but to dismiss my observation as special pleading or "whining" is to become "Big Brother".

Remember friends, that those who say "do not listen to them" are usually commanding you rather than suggesting to you.

If a "Narc" has truth, then a "Narc" has truth.
I believe that we all might benefit from a Hegelian outlook in regards to persons concerning specific personalities, that is to say that truth can be found anywhere. We would be most unwise to dismiss it.
Always give someone the benefit of the doubt.
Relationships were played hard in the critique of Altruistic Narcissists, so beware, many of these sentiments may contain an emotional aspect, Reason can do naught against a lover's scorn.

So I leave you with this, never judge a book by its cover.

You would do well to read this. said...

Unfortunately after reading a few of these comments I thought it appropriate to make the declaration this Article has done a bit of harm more than good, it has done well to undermine relations instead of grant non-"Narcs" a bulwark against abusive relations.
Trust is fragile, and to suggest that a broad chunk of the populace (see my previous comment above) is "out to get them" or has a secret agenda attached to every kind thing, such is not constructive to social creatures.
I would have expected the creators of the Article in question to address these issues as they arose but it seems as though they impotent or uncaring.
Perhaps its just bad journalism.
Certainly a well written Article grammar and syntax are on point however context is rather "wanting" to say the least.

IC Angel said...

I started to cry when I read this. Thank you. Every single bullet point checks off.

The abuse ends now.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this article. I could not reconcile in my mind when friends or even therapists suggested that my partner was a narcissist, because he was always trying to do so much for people and, I thought, me. It was so confusing, confounding, excruciating, trying to put my finger on why this relationship felt so chaotic and perpetually exhausting. I spent five years of my life in misery, believing he really was good at heart, just a little "off". There are so many articles and books on narcissistic personality disorder, but the classic description didn't really seem to apply. This article is spot on and is helping me calm the self doubt and second guessing I've been going through.

Anonymous said...

Well that was a whole lot of word salad.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this article! It explains so much. I too, could not reconcile in my mind that it was a possibility when two therapists and many friends suggested NPD. As I looked into the traits of narcissism, he never really fit that profile. That is, until I came across information about the covert, or 'altruistic' narcissist. He fits that to a T! Until now, I didn't know that there are subsets of narcissism.

My altruistic narcissist was my doctor who, after 18 years, decided he wanted a personal relationship instead. As my doctor, I idolized and adored him as he was THE most caring person you could ever imagine. So after two years of 'grooming', when he changed the rules of our relationship, I felt 'special' - the chosen one. In the end, nothing could have been further from the truth and that oh, so erroneous decision to embark on that relationship has almost destroyed my life. In the beginning (which happened at break-neck speed), he was amazing. I have never felt more loved. I was 'the one' - showered with extraordinary, over-the-top, soulmate love, attention, compliments, gifts. He wanted to marry me. You name it. I was given it in spades!

It is only in hindsight and a lot of research, that I can see the red-flags. There was this 'shyness'; the trying to not be in the limelight whilst making it clear that others saw him as very special and giving. I also saw how he gravitated more to those 'beneath' him and resented those more successful. Unless of course, the more successful ones fawned over him, as all of his patients - both successful and not so - did. However, he seemed to admire the successful ones and pity the not so fortunate ones. I was made privy to information about patients and other doctors that I should NEVER, under any circumstances, have been told. The crocodile tears for the truly ill, and the scathing comments about the ones who took up too much of his time.

Over time when things weren't going exactly as he had hoped (or said he hoped), the nasty, cruel, manipulative side came out. When it all fell apart and I had a complete breakdown, I also saw the lack of empathy or compassion. He never really acknowledged what I'd gone through and made it all about him. How much he had suffered. How much I had hurt him. He continued to keep me in a cat and mouse game for a further 5 years all whilst being in another relationship. In the end (which only happened recently), as I was acknowledging and apologizing for my part in all of this, and wishing him well, he made it clear that he felt I deserved everything I got and completely dismissed me. This has been an absolute nightmare. I had no idea what I was dealing with and why I was going deeper and deeper down that rabbit hole trying to find caring, compassion and understanding from a person who was not only never going to give me that, but who was, in all likelihood, incapable of it.

There are clearly many levels and degrees of narcissism and who really knows what goes on in the heart and mind of another person. All I know is that it is a long road to recovery from this sort of relationship.

Vai Patri said...

Thankyou so much, I was referred to this article after seeking a therapy session at ASU counseling. Thankyou Suzana.
I was in one of these relationships. The guy I was with constantly built me up to break me down. He would be overly romantic, do things that I had only dreamed a guy would do. He knew how to connect with the fibers of my being, which really impressed and meant a lot to me, because no guy had done that. I had just gotten out of a relationship that left me wondering if I was ever going to get anyone who truly saw me for who I was and appreciated me -- and it let me to meeting the next guy, this altruistic narcissist who I dated and just escaped. He would constantly break up with me and beg for me back, tell me that I was doing things that I was not doing. He would be overly sweet and compliment me, and then when we would fight, he would insult me and use all my insecurities (he once praised for me opening up about) against me in the most hurtful ways. He would be insulting and tell me had no time for me, break up with me. Then, the waterworks. He would stare into my eyes and tell me just how sorry he was, how he had RECOGNIZED EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING WRONG, and tell me how beautiful my soul was, lol. Then I'd get back together with him and he would repeat this cycle. IT was horrible. He would tell me I was insane and damaged, and at the end of this, which resulted in ME going crazy, constantly contacting him to tell him how horrible he was, him not giving a shit, and me making things worse because I was constantly anxious and depressed, at the end of it, i started to believe it. UNTILL i found out about this, it really helped. a lot. and it's true. and it describes my last boyfriend PERFECTLY. he would always get mad if i didnt want advice, one time telling me all his ex girlfriends used to beg for his advice! and that i was the only one who was unapreciative.
i am sorry i went through this, itll be a while before any of us recover, but the next time around we will tell these people to go f themselves instead of putting up with their shit.

casie said...

Que linda mujer! Muy bonita! Y bueno yo no creo en los hombres. Muchas veses los que son "nice" realmente son asi como escribes. Y en realidad no creo en nadie. Porque cuando necesitas ayuda nadie esta. Asi que busco mi felizidad sola como hay manera. Saludos.

Anonymous said...

Wow. My intuition is spot on re: one of these characters. they're not worthy of any woman's time, effort or love. They're capable ofseduction big time with their cleverness and lies, but they are incapable of sustaining mutually loving and true,committed relationship with a lover or mate. They sadly but eventually attempt to destroy those who are unfortunate enough to be drawn to them. unfortunately they're fairly successful with the seduction and leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake. to hear them tell it, they're the one ALL those women hurt! Ha! Really!!!!????
Get out as fast as you can - they are NOT good enough for you and will only cause you pain and misery.
"All" men are NOT cut from this same cloth - there's some good ones out there!
Might be hard to find, but you only need one!". LOL and God bless!

Anonymous said...

These "people" are truly disturbing, manipulative, and literally like emotional vampires. I never met anyone like this, nor knew what a narcissist was (aside from hearing the label thrown around to describe vain, shallow people). That was until I met my new neighbor about a yr ago. A seemingly normal woman in her 60s who moved in w/the sweet older lady in her 80s who'd lost her husband and let this friend of hers move in to help financially. Trouble started shortly thereafter when she would let her dogs out, and leave them outside for hours on end.

My dog, in an unfenced yard, would be let out on a tie out, but fail to do his business because each time I'd let him out her dogs would bark constantly at him, and it'd turn into a barking contest, and I'd have to run out, pull him back in as he's reaching to the very end of his tie out choking himself, all the while never having gone to the bathroom! She noticed this barking, saw me running out to grab him, but literally just do a "hey, stop it guys" to her own dogs, but never offering to take her dogs in for a mere 5 min. so my dog could actually "go"!

Anonymous said...

Then one day she decided to speak to me, introduced herself as the new roommate, and immediately offered me to have coffee w/her on the patio. I obliged. Having a little life exp. under my belt I knew better than to share too much of myself w/this stranger despite the fact that she was seemingly sharing her life story within our 1st conversation. She said she was a former marine, etc. etc. and basically took over the entire conversation, not once ever EVER asking me about myself! Looking back I noticed that, anything she knew about me was simply because I interjected and told her while she'd be rambling on! 1st red flag.

As months went by, and several more coffee visits I noticed that, regardless what the topic she'd always always pull the "me too" shit. I mentioned working in healthcare, what do you know she'd previously been a nurse. After a mere 3 months she'd said she'd been a marine, a nurse, an accountant, etc. I quickly noticed shit didn't add up. I caught her lying over and over again (didn't point it out).

Anonymous said...

(STORY contd from comments above) Sorry for such a long, novel of posts, but hopefully if my story can help someone else unmask a monster of a "friend" in their life it's worth the "novel" :)

Anyhow, after a few months of my neighbors constant storytelling, obvious lies, and seeing that, not once would she ever ask anything about me, my life, interests, etc. I knew it wasn't a friendship. In fact, the one time I asked for a favor, a ride to the doctor's when my car wouldn't start, she claimed she had severe diarrhea and couldn't...yet sat there and continued to talk to me for an hour until my ride showed up (not once getting up to use the bathroom)!She also not only continued w/her dogs but in fact, I noticed she'd intentionally leave them out early in the morning so they'd "sound off" and she'd see when I let my dog out, only then to conveniently come out and try to talk my ear off for an hour. It started to get creepy the amount of times she'd pop up each time I was in my back yard. I decided to avoid her.

After a few wks she'd started to ask my boyfriend where I was anytime she saw him cutting the grass. Then she'd just walk over to my house to see why I'd been avoiding her. I lied, told her I was busy w/ a new job (she didn't even ask me anything about the position like a normal friend would). Not a single question. I contd. w/avoiding. Then she caught me outside one day, and actually asked me if she said or did anything that made me stop coming over. I said no, said that I'd been really busy w/work and loosely said that I'd stop over when I got a free minute. She gave me this look. I'll never forget it. It was this over her shoulder look as she was walking away, and looked as if to say "Yeah well you better stop by". It was so creepy. I didn't. I never stopped over again in fact, and avoided her like the plague.

2 months go by and shit got ridiculous. I started seeing that, every night, she'd started to use these two flood lights in her yard. There are two on each corner of her porch in addition to the regular, household lightbulb under her porch. Anytime she'd be out there, or let her dogs out she'd turn these spot lights. These lights just so happened to light my windows up like a Xmas tree. As time went on I noticed she'd have the lights on while sitting on her back porch for literally 3-4 hours at a time, playing on her phone! She'd started sitting out there as if trying to catch me letting my dog out! I'd started letting him out at 6am before she'd be out there, and what do you know, she'd then start showing up outside, lights ablaze, and be out there at 6am! I ignored the lights, and still avoided her. Then my dog came in one day, and started acting really odd. Drooling, walking funny, and his eyes just looked glazed over and strange! He started to tremble a bit, and was just completely off. We could only attribute his symptoms to having gotten into something in the yard. Although I didn't have his feces tested for poison, I know in my heart of hearts that she put something in my yard and attempted to poison my dog. She realized that the spot lights weren't enticing me to come over and confront her, she noticed I'd avoided her and would let my dog out when she wasn't around, and she knew her "audience" was gone, and I would no longer just come by to listen to her, and give her the narc supply she needed.

Anonymous said...

My first inkling that something was wrong was the fact that, unlike any friend I've ever known, she would never ask me anything. Not about myself, not my opinion, nothing. Always spotlight the conversation. Couple that with the lies upon lies, and the fact that even when her own grandchildren would come over and be in her back yard she'd sit there on her phone playing games while I would see the kids literally sitting there and try to get her attn, or just wander aimlessly around her yard! I realized after searching online for "pathological liars" that she's definitely a narcissist. Also, she never had anything nice to say about anyone. I caught on quickly that, if I were to share anything about myself that was personal, chances are she'd probably use it against me, or tell other people about me too! I'm glad I caught onto these characteristics rather quickly, and cut her off. Unfortunately, she was monstrous enough to try and get revenge on me for doing so, and actually continues to shine the spot lights into my windows still. Avoid people who "rub" you the wrong way. Use you're intuition. If someone is a pathological liar it could be beyond just "storytelling". This person could be dangerous, as this is a common characteristic of narcs, sociopaths, etc. They will lie, manipulate, talk about other people, etc. They're disgusting wastes of life, and they will seek revenge when you realize what they are, and stop giving them an audience.

Starchild Angel ExRockGirl said...

Wrong! I am now five months into narcissist abuse recovery and my ladt narcissist was an altruistic narc. He was overly dramatic, constantly courting praise and worship among those whom he was trying to impress. He also passed himself off as a spiritual healer when he was in fact a ruthless sexual predator of vulnerable women. Many sordid things came to light after I left the UK. My life became a nightmare when the police contacted me because of a girl 13 years old) whom he had been grooming. These people are unbelievable and until you wake up from their confusing double speak, you probably would feel confused and emotionally tense. I am done with this. I can't say enough that people should familiarize themselves with the various character disorders out there. This is a fantastic blog!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Angelina Jolie :-)

Elle Traine said...

You are makinh things far too complicated You are a simple man

Ella Hoffman said...

In our simple life, love plays a very specific role.Now we are able to make your love life healthy and it has no space for any type trouble. These all are possible with the help of Dr. Madu of MADU TEMPLE OF SOLUTION. He helped me cast a spell that brought my long lost lover back withing 48hours who left me for another woman. you can also contact him on (maduutemple@gmail.com) or add him on WHATSAPP +234 9038103368 and be happy forever like am now with his experience.

Unknown said...


Yes I agree:) Me too! Awesome article...my mother to a tee!!!

Been There said...

Perfect description of a neighbor who now leaving our community with scorched earth messages about all of the altruistic things she has done for us with her expertise and no one has even given her a gift card. Scary extreme of behavior.

What is the difference between an Altruistic Narcissist and a Martyr? Does one lead to the other?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this article. The moment I read it, everything in my relationship finally made sense. It was incredible, like this great weight was lifted from me after so many months of anxiety and confusion. All the things described in this article happened to me! I did not know anything about covert narcissism or altruistic narcissists when I met my ex-partner. I feel very lucky to have come across this article, which helped me make the choice to end my unhealthy relationship before I put myself in further danger. Thank you with all my heart.

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Freaking word

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Haha right

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Did u leave?

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Huh? Can u repeat that again in English

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Stay strong hun

TV FANDOM FAVES said...

Stay strong!!